TO LEARN AND GROW IN SEPARATION
Dedicated to Rowena Chua & family

Recently, a friend left for the U.S. and left behind her two teenage sons. She left with a heart filled with anxiety and ambivalence. My heart goes-out to her. I understand her predicament. After taking care and being with them since their birth, the thought of separation can be intimidating. Being so accustomed to each others presence, being away from each other can be emotionally challenging. In a way, they’ve been in each others’ security. Their mother is their source of refuge and protection while their cherished presence is their mother’s emotional sanctuary. It’ll be tough for them at the moment. They’ll just have to learn to adapt to their situation for their own sake.

In every phase of life involved some act of ‘moving-away’ or being separated with something valuable or familiar; to someone dear. Our life as an individual began at the severance of the umbilical cord. Suddenly, we are detached from our mother to become an exclusive entity to develop with a free will and the ability for independent living. Soon, a series of experiences happen that involves the process of separation. Remember, the first day of school; the first time you took the commuter transport without your parents; the time you ‘moved away’ from home to college dormitory; when you migrated or when you got married. In close scrutiny, all these milestones and many other minor events in life somehow indicates ‘moving away’ or being separated.

Physical separation can be difficult depending on the emotions involved with it. The degree of emotion can be determined by how valuable or dear someone or something is to you. The greater the emotional degree involved, the greater the challenge to face separation. Yet, the human spirit is build with a resiliency to hurdle the challenges of change and surpass the pains of any kind of separation. No matter how great the emotion involved in separation, it is possible, even beneficial, to look at it in a way less dreadful

Indeed, moving away from what you’ve grown accustomed to can be dreadful. Otherwise, we could look at this as an opportunity for learning and growth. To see this in such a way could make separation take on a new meaning, one that opens to new possibilities in life.

Since the process of change is inevitable, it is wise for us to use our emotional resources to adapt and conform to matters beyond our control. Inasmuch that as parents we shield our children from any harm, failure and challenging experiences, we could only protect them at a certain point. Afterall, their exposure to challenges can be the best opportunity for growth. They can get this in no other way but to experience both the good and bad, high and low of life. As parents we can only guide and teach them. The rest lies on how well they learned the lessons we taught them. Hence, we will see how we raised them by letting them go on their own.

Oftentimes, to gain one’s personhood and self-worth demands the price of being separated from those dearest to us. Away from their family, children learn to be with other people and become more sociable. They discover a whole new world away from the confines of home. Thus, they become knowledgeable and wiser by each moment they encounter. Later on, they discover their true strengths by exercising their free will. In independence, they learn to be self-sufficient and confident of themselves. It has been proved by empirical studies that those who managed independence responsibly become well-adjusted people. This experience gives way for creative expression and “open-mindedness” suitable for inculcating a well-rounded personality. With all these, there is a greater chance for them to achieve their life’s goals and succeed in any endeavor.

Eventually, they will raise families of their own and become parents themselves. Then the whole cycle happens over again. The process of separation and ‘moving away’ repeats through the generations.

“Parting is such sweet sorrow”, William Shakespeare once wrote. It echoes to us today that inspite of the pain and difficulty of separation we are enriched to experience the fullness of life. ----- And nothing can be sweeter than that!

CROSS-STITCH OF FRIENDSHIP
by DJ Flame

cross-stitch
weave of friendship
lives crossed
then journey together
threads of color blend
images form

count the squares
and spaces in between
needle and thread
fill the void

fabric tells a story
see the smiles
hear the laughter
memories remain

wooden frame
hang on a wall
look of tender eyes
gift of hope

rainy or sunny
kids maybe tiny
innocent heart endures
grown-ups we may be

intricate patterns
our lives may be
we see through each other
to get through each day

THE SOLITARY EXPERIENCE

We came into this world alone and alone shall we depart from it. The solitary experience can be a very frightening thought. Being alone is perhaps one, if not the most, fearsome experience anyone could have. However, it is essential that we find a time to be alone. Some degree of solitude is needed for us to be rejuvenated from the stresses of hectic life. We each need time-off from the daily grind.

To take the time to be on your own is not such a bad idea. It does not make you bad because you take that time away from those most dear to you. It is not selfishness to want some time alone. It is not an anti-social behavior to want some time away from human contact. A precious time alone gives us a sense of solitude beneficial for our emotional growth.

Great achievements were born from the solitary experience. Buddha, in his solitary state, achieved nirvana or enlightenment. Mohammed was in his sole journey when Allah revealed himself. Hence, he established Islam. Undoubtedly, the great religions of the world were established by its respective founders as a result of their personal (e.g. solitary) encounter with the divine.

We read that the heroes and heroines in the Bible oftentimes are alone or in deep contemplation in their defining moment as part of God's plan. Jesus was alone in the dessert when he proved his strength of character by resisting the lure of temptation. He was alone praying in agony at the garden of Gethsemane while his apostles were asleep. Alas, while hanging on the cross, he cried out to God, "why Thou forsaken me?" is evident of his being alone in this greatest act to save mankind.

The great thinkers and sages throughout the ages were mostly alone in their thoughts. The philosophies of Aristotle, Socrates and Confucius include the essential lessons to "know thy self" and the importance of solitude. The mystics, the saints and the spiritual masters of our time have taught us the value of meditation, inner reflection and to be at peace with one's self.

In the midst of the solitary experience, inventions and great ideas were born from the best minds of every age. Sir Isaac Newton, absorbed in self reverie in his garden, conjured up the ‘Theory of Gravity’ when he suddenly saw an apple dropped from its tree. Thomas Edison alone in his workshop made the world "brighter", literally. Dr. Stephen Hawkins, himself confined to a wheelchair with mechanical contraptions unimaginable, were able to come-up with the "Theory of Everything".

Creativity flows most freely during the solitary experience. The poets and authors; musicians and almost every artist know the value of time alone to work on a masterpiece. Think about Da Vinci, Dante, Beethoven, Longfellow, Rodin and so many others, it is redundant to reiterate at this point that the great works of art were conceived from the privacy of their thoughts.

Thus, the solitary experience could be a fruitful and productive process. We may not achieve greatly as those mentioned. However, it could be the best opportunity for anyone to discover potentials and possibilities otherwise, will just remain forever a seed of greatness.

There are endless options and possibilities in life. We each are often called to choose and pick what is best for us. When you find yourself at a crossroad, no other but yourself can fully understand the complexities behind every choice and decision you make. No matter what the consequences may be, you are solely responsible for every choice. Alone we each make wise or foolish decisions. How strange it is that others share our triumph while we are left alone to be blame for our mistakes. Oftentimes, you find yourself with others who had the audacity to claim your own personal success while totally disassociate with you in your failure. In these respect, the solitary experience becomes an impetus for learning, albeit the hard way.

You may find yourself alone in times of deep personal crisis such as relationship problem or when you are misunderstood. You may need a time to heal your brokenness by contemplating and gathering your thoughts, alone. Perhaps, the answers are just within you. So, you shut-off yourself from the noise of the world to listen to the voice within you. Thus, in the solitary experience you come to know yourself better. Now, you bring your better self into creating wiser relationships.

Likewise, the solitary experience can be therapeutic when life's chores become too weary. We need to give ourselves a break from the busy and sometimes crazy world around us. We owe it to ourselves. It is to take care of our psychological well-being. We cut ourselves from the maddening crowd to channel inner peace. To be in tune with ourselves is to better manage the stresses we encounter daily. It is good to enroll in yoga classes, attend meditative groups and other socially apt means to beat stress. But, personally, it will defeat the purpose of the solitary experience. We could get in touch with ourselves, or reward ourselves, by simply being alone with a book or just try to clear our thoughts of worries and cares, even for a moment. To get away alone does not necessarily mean going for a vacation somewhere, it could be simply a place near and comfortable, conducive enough for peace and quite. It could even be at home or in your own room.

Ultimately, we get most from our solitary experience by praying. In most times the best prayers are said alone. It is when prayer is truly said "from the heart", when there’s nobody to see or hear you; a moment you and the Divine--- alone.

The solitary experience can be devastating when associated with the feeling of loneliness; that feeling relative to rejection, abandonment, despair, grief. We all feel a degree of loneliness in our lifetime. Even the wealthy, the famous and those who we may think are immune to this malaise are not spared afterall. Remember the saying, "It is lonely at the top", refers to the well-achieved and the acclaimed among us as equally plagued by loneliness. Also, the solitary experience can be a torment to those who are forced into it.Such are the plight of the imprisoned in solitary confinement and the helplessly debilitated.

The feeling of loneliness can be a fleeting moment but the prolonged agony by it can be potentially harmful. Sometimes it can be a benign condition but in most cases the afflicted shows no signs of it. They maybe among the "party people", those who lead a seemingly "perfect" existence or anyone close to you but rather keep things to themselves. Anyone can feel lonely even among a crowd or surrounded by love ones.

Loneliness can be detrimental depending on how we respond to it. Insanity and suicide are likely the fate of those who weren't able to handle it. Then, loneliness can be contagious and ravages the bereaved. Written on a wall of a funeral home (I’m dead-serious, no pun intended, got this from there) says, “Pray that your loneliness inspire you into finding something to live for great enough to die for”. Apparently, it was meant to comfort the grieving. However, there is a message for each of us here. It tells us that in the midst of loneliness and desolation we should not forget that our first duty to life is to live, then find our meaning.

Hence, loneliness can be an opportunity for learning and growth. It is just a matter of looking at it from the opposite perspective. It carries with it the untold message of hope, to be strong, or to go on with more courage and determination. In this loneliness, as part of the solitary experience, becomes an antidote to itself.

Sooner or later, we may seek the solitary experience or it may find us. Whenever necessary, we seek it in the form of solitude for our own sake. While if it finds us in the form of loneliness, we must be willing to welcome and embrace it to discover and fully understand the meaning behind every tragedy.

An old saying said, "No man is an island". Indeed, it is almost impossible for us to survive bereft of human association. I don't suggest we live as hermits. Neither, I advocate solitary living to escape the "madness" of our existence. Afterall, the true joy of living comes from the sharing of one's self to others. Yet, we each need those selected moment to pause, be on our own in reflection, to connect with the Divine and recapture ourselves to better define our life. Hence, we come fully equipped to face the challenges of living. Finally, as we gained and become better from our solitary experience, we have more to share and give of ourselves to others; to the world.

DJ FLAME

August 8, 2009

A TIME FOR HEALING AND UNITY

The hour has come to lay down arms and settle the scores.
Let us torn down walls of differences to build bridges of hope.
We end blaming to start the work of progress.
The accusing ceases to begin reconciling in the truth.

We dry our eyes from too much weeping
and we will see more clearly.
The deep emotional wounds of our past remain yet it will be just a scar.
Let healing begins for the sake of the generations to come.

The enemy is neither you nor I.
Our foe is our foolish pride and selfish schemes.
If we realize how we are one in thoughts and aspiration,
together, we look forward to a brighter tomorrow.

As a people united by our faith in God,
a new society awaits us blessed with freedom and justice.
Alas! Peace shall reign upon the land,
and this nation shall be great again!

IN SICKNESS AND IN DEATH DO WE UNITE

Sickness and death are natural progressions of life. The wealthy, the pauper; the great or the most common among us, no exemption, are subject to these. No matter how powerful, strong or popular we are death will beckon to us one day. No matter how much loved we are nothing will suffice for the inevitable.

It is in these do we find our common humanity. Our shared mortality binds us to one another. It is no wonder that we are in sympathy with the sick, even if they are rivals. Neither, we talk-ill of a dead foe. It is strange that anyone could do so otherwise. Beyond civility or ethics, mercy reigns in the heart of those who regard life as sacred. Respect for the dead, as well as the living, extends to allies and foes alike.

To be one in respect to a life, who touched us good or bad, gives us the opportunity to probe into our own. It is a time to reflect on who we are and how we are living our lives. Likewise, we should be in unity with those we admire most. We should uphold the noble legacy of those whom we extol and hail as heroes. Adulation alone is not enough. If it is, they die in vain and nothing remarkable will happen. External tributes and ritualistic giving of honors are good for they deserve them. Yet, the true essence of their heroism should live in us. Remembering them is not enough. But our action that emulates them brings tremendous change.

Eventually, the power of death engulfs the divisiveness of life. In death, we become one. We share the grief and sorrow of the bereaved fully aware that soon we shall be in the same experience. Or perhaps, have gone through the same. Insincere thoughts are not necessary. Common courtesy will not suffice if it just for the external. Our solidarity in respect, as simple and quite; full of reverence and true, even in private, cannot be discounted.

Indeed, we may be fragmented in life by pride, misunderstanding, fighting for opposing principles and disparity in loyalties. Yet, in death we are made whole by going beyond our selves, putting aside selfishness and together mark a passing that shall usher in a better future ahead for all those left behind.

POSTCARD FROM HOME
Dedicated to Maria Carmen S. Santos M.D.

As I read an old postcard sent by a dear friend, who decided to migrate to the U.S.A. five years ago, a sense of nostalgia swept over me. Reminiscing the times we had together as if those days will be forever. However, life is dynamic. There is nothing constant in living but change itself. We are in constant motion, growing and changing. Lest we do, life is senseless we might as well die.

Since the dawn of time, human beings have been traveling. From place to place humans move to hunt, establish habitation or seek a mate. The present human population is no different. The majority of the population migrates for reason of economics, build a home and raise families. Yet, there are deeper reasons why people decide to migrate, leave their origin or move from place to place.

It is evident that in countries where there is lack of resources and opportunity, the primary reason to migrate is economics. It has become a necessity to the poor among the population to look for employment in other lands. However, there are those who do so for personal reasons. Like my friend, who is hardly destitute, her migration to “greener pasture” is a choice than a necessity. Afterall she, being a doctor offers enough opportunity and a career that could support a decent living set apart from the rest of the population stricken by poverty and ignorance.

But, we need more than a decent living. We have big dreams for ourselves and for our families. We wanted the best life could offer us. To do so, we need to be where there are more opportunity for growth and development. Better education or career advancement open doors not only to financial success but self-fulfillment as well. By then, we will be able to provide more than the necessity for living but the perks in life we deserve for working hard and bearing with the difficulties of living in a foreign land.

Didn’t we say it was easy? With the opportunities are the challenges one has to hurdle when migrating. It could be terrifying to live in an odd place with a culture different from ours. Not to mention, peculiar laws and mores one has to abide and conform with. However, the conformity one has to manage relative to the customs and culture of a place is not as half the challenge compared to the pains of being alone and be separated form family and friends. Inspite these challenges, migration occurs because it is an inherent activity in any population.

Migration of the population is prevalent in war-torn lands; places plagued by natural or man-made disasters and in oppressed societies. It is the instinctual need for self-preservation that brings people to places fit for survival. It is unfortunate that refugees, Faced already by hostile human conditions, are easy prey to human traffickers and unscrupulous human traders. Hence, even in a new land, they end-up in more hapless situation than where they left.

Movement in the population can be within local or regional areas. Such are the homeless and the dispossessed. In this country they are commonly called informal settlers or “squatters”. They can be seen in urban areas however, we also have them in rural areas where the vast tracks of land are owned by the rich. Their constant relocation offers only temporary solution to their plight. They are not exclusive among poor countries. In fact, every country has them. Just see the line of trailer homes and those living in trailer camps across America because they don’t have their own place.

Contrary to popular notion that migration is movement from places of lack to places of abundance, there are those who migrate to where help is needed most. Forced by commitment to make a better world, they leave their comfortable homes and family to share what they have and bring inspiration, meaning and hope to humanity. The religious missionaries, the volunteers for charitable institutions and the relentless movers of just causes are but the few I could mention who travel from place to place or migrate permanently for altruistic reasons.

Migration could also be a lifestyle fad. There are those who do so because of social acclaim. These are people who have more than enough than anyone from their origins. To live in Paris, New York, Singapore or any place prominent for high standards (e.g. expensive) of living is a mark of distinction for those who can afford it. It is not surprising that we beam with pride whenever we tell others where we’ve been; that we were able to go abroad and see places where others just dream about. Others can just listen to us with shared excitement and joy while others with pangs of jealousy and envy.

There are those who opted to migrate because they wanted a way out of a situation. The fugitives from justice, those who are persecuted for their political beliefs and those who just wanted to escape some traumatic experience seek refuge to other lands. In a new land, those granted political or ideological asylum may find freedom and social acceptance. In contrast, the fugitives of the law and those who are psychologically traumatized, even in a new place, to be haunted and to live in constant fear offers no escape from their situation.

For families separated by distance, migration offers the best option. When the necessary requisites are provided for, family members are reunited and build the future together in a new land. To be away from their native land and be in a strange place is worthy enough as long as the family is together. Recently, my grand aunt, who just turned 93, asked for my lawyer uncle to draft her last Will. After that, she will migrate to Canada to be with her son and wait for her time there. She is willing to trade everything she has and spend her remaining time in a foreign land just to be with family. Ultimately, we would rather be with those most dear to us in a foreign land than to stay in our native land alone.

On the other hand, there are those who migrate to escape family problems or dysfunctional relationship. It is sad that one has to leave home due to this matter. However, in some cases, this could be the only alternative to an otherwise desperate attempt to mend a situation marred by hopelessness and despair.

Some among us are drawn to adventure; to conquer new worlds and constantly seek new experiences. These restless souls push themselves to the limit of possibilities. They are in constant need to recapture their sense of novelty that results to a more exciting life. Others go to new places to seek new challenges such as a new job or career, or try a lifestyle unfamiliar to them. There is no room for complacency but enthusiasm and awe steers the life of these people. Thus, to see new places, adapt to peculiar cultures, learn foreign languages and meet new people can be most exhilarating experience.

Then, there are the drifters, those who journey without a destination. They wander aimlessly. Without specific purpose, they move as long as they can. From place to place they come and go. They take almost nothing with them but the barest of essential and the wind against their faces. Contrary to the romanticized image of a “carefree” lifestyle we read about in popular fiction or as depicted in cinema, it could be a hard, lonely and meaningless existence.

Finally, there are those who left their origins because, according to them, they wanted to find their “selves”. It probably sounds abstract yet we each have that tendency to search for that place where we are most at ease or simply be ourselves; a place where we are at home.

As I keep the postcards my friend sent me, I wonder if she and others who migrated will ever go back home. But where is home? Is it to go back to our place of origin? Is it the place where we fulfilled our wishes and be with family? Or is it the place we aspired for or dreamed about? Maybe, it is the place where we found our life’s vocation? Or perhaps, the place where we gained ourselves?

As vital as migration, we search for that distinct place we call “home”. It is a universal call. Sooner or later, we all have to settle somewhere and establish our roots. A Chinese proverb says, “Wherever you settle, there is your home.” It is not necessarily be our place of origin or our native land. It might not even be an actual place. It may be just lurking within us.

An old adage says, “Home is where the heart is”. Depending on where our heart is, home can be our family, our career or vocation, our aspirations. The place where we are is not important. Here or there, we can claim our own niche; build ourselves. Within us is the ability to create that haven, a refuge amidst the hustle and bustle of life. Anywhere we could find ourselves. When these are achieved, we are home. Where we could find personal contentment and inner peace that is home.

Yes, we each have the option to migrate or to stay where we are now. In a sense, we are all pilgrims in this world. But somewhere, there is a home waiting for us. For the moment, while we long for that elusive “home”, we go on with our living and do what we ought to do. At the end of the day, we each will receive a postcard from home beckoning us to settle, be at peace with ourselves and the world around us ---- wherever we may be.


DJ FLAME
July 19, 2009

IN MEMORY OF A FRIENDSHIP

Exactly eight years ago today, my friend committed suicide. He was intelligent, charming, driven. He was amiable and popular especially among the ladies. He was a wonderful human being. But on this particular day before dawn, perhaps after making his routine rounds of the hospital ward were he worked, he took a lethal dose of pills to his death. He left no note, not a word of explanation. He left behind a promising career in medicine and a daughter, then barely a year old. He was only 31 years old.

I have never been able to forget his endearing qualities. Looking back, I could say, he was with me in my most difficult time. He was caring, helpful, responsive, filled with potentials. Who could have known that he will one day preempt his own lifetime. Undoubtedly, he had his own struggles and not a few times the signs were evident. But he chose to keep things to himself despite his friends’ readiness to help whenever and whatever we could extend to him. He was a good friend but very private.

I wish I had the opportunity to probe hard enough into his soul to learn about his dilemma which may have prevented him from his own destruction. I was not blaming myself for his death. I simply wondered what more might I have done; if I could have, even momentarily, be there for him as he was during my trials. Much to his detriment, he managed to contain his emotions or maybe he was just too embarrassed to bother anyone with his predicament.

The reason he, two other high school batchmates and others who took their own life are beyond my comprehension. However, despite my belief in accountability, it is not for me to pass judgment on them. I neither condemn nor condone what they did. Yet, I believe that they had a grave (no pun intended) reason for doing so. I say this without disregard to the moral values we grew up with. Afterall, the basis of all morality is compassion.

Eventually in life, each of us stands alone. No fame, fortune or no matter how many people surround us, in the most significant moments of life we will, most likely, find ourselves alone. We came to this world alone and will leave it alone. And in between these most significant moments there is the aloneness of fear, moments of tears, struggles and moments of decisions. These are the times when each of us is faced only with ourselves. For no one else can truly understand the extent of one’s grief or sadness, strivings or the complex motivations behind every decision. These “aloneness” might have pushed them to the brink.

I will cherish the memories. The lunchbreak we shared on that first day of class as high school freshmen. We were young (12 years old) then, in a new school with so much possibilities. We were Boy Scouts throughout high school and every scouting activity was truly memorable. We were separated in college as we pursued different degrees from different universities. Later on when we were reunited in the same medical school; amidst the seemingly endless studying as we aspired to become doctors, the laughter and tears we shared were profound. We may not have seen things “eye-to-eye” nevertheless, the sweetness of our friendship could not have been the same without it.

To lose a dear friend after so many shared moments and experiences was terribly painful. It was difficult to part with such an encouraging force in one’s life. But nothing is forever. In reality we never lose them. They are immortalized in out thoughts. They become part of who we are. Thus, they somehow participate in every idea and decision. They are irreplaceable and despite of the grief we are richer for all the moments we invested in them.

“Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord,
and let Your perpetual light shine upon him.”

“From the gates of the damn,
deliver his soul, O God.”

“And may he rest in peace.
Amen.”

DJ FLAME
July 14, 2009