FIREBIRD

IN MEMORY OF A FRIENDSHIP

Exactly eight years ago today, my friend committed suicide. He was intelligent, charming, driven. He was amiable and popular especially among the ladies. He was a wonderful human being. But on this particular day before dawn, perhaps after making his routine rounds of the hospital ward were he worked, he took a lethal dose of pills to his death. He left no note, not a word of explanation. He left behind a promising career in medicine and a daughter, then barely a year old. He was only 31 years old.

I have never been able to forget his endearing qualities. Looking back, I could say, he was with me in my most difficult time. He was caring, helpful, responsive, filled with potentials. Who could have known that he will one day preempt his own lifetime. Undoubtedly, he had his own struggles and not a few times the signs were evident. But he chose to keep things to himself despite his friends’ readiness to help whenever and whatever we could extend to him. He was a good friend but very private.

I wish I had the opportunity to probe hard enough into his soul to learn about his dilemma which may have prevented him from his own destruction. I was not blaming myself for his death. I simply wondered what more might I have done; if I could have, even momentarily, be there for him as he was during my trials. Much to his detriment, he managed to contain his emotions or maybe he was just too embarrassed to bother anyone with his predicament.

The reason he, two other high school batchmates and others who took their own life are beyond my comprehension. However, despite my belief in accountability, it is not for me to pass judgment on them. I neither condemn nor condone what they did. Yet, I believe that they had a grave (no pun intended) reason for doing so. I say this without disregard to the moral values we grew up with. Afterall, the basis of all morality is compassion.

Eventually in life, each of us stands alone. No fame, fortune or no matter how many people surround us, in the most significant moments of life we will, most likely, find ourselves alone. We came to this world alone and will leave it alone. And in between these most significant moments there is the aloneness of fear, moments of tears, struggles and moments of decisions. These are the times when each of us is faced only with ourselves. For no one else can truly understand the extent of one’s grief or sadness, strivings or the complex motivations behind every decision. These “aloneness” might have pushed them to the brink.

I will cherish the memories. The lunchbreak we shared on that first day of class as high school freshmen. We were young (12 years old) then, in a new school with so much possibilities. We were Boy Scouts throughout high school and every scouting activity was truly memorable. We were separated in college as we pursued different degrees from different universities. Later on when we were reunited in the same medical school; amidst the seemingly endless studying as we aspired to become doctors, the laughter and tears we shared were profound. We may not have seen things “eye-to-eye” nevertheless, the sweetness of our friendship could not have been the same without it.

To lose a dear friend after so many shared moments and experiences was terribly painful. It was difficult to part with such an encouraging force in one’s life. But nothing is forever. In reality we never lose them. They are immortalized in out thoughts. They become part of who we are. Thus, they somehow participate in every idea and decision. They are irreplaceable and despite of the grief we are richer for all the moments we invested in them.

“Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord,
and let Your perpetual light shine upon him.”

“From the gates of the damn,
deliver his soul, O God.”

“And may he rest in peace.
Amen.”

DJ FLAME
July 14, 2009