Finding Solace in Moment of Lost

BEARING BEING SINGLE FOR LIFE

In Memory of Luis D. Quetulio (1952 – 2010)

Let the dead past bury its dead! – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Death strikes thrice in our family this year with the sudden passing of my uncle, Luis D. Quetulio, a week before Christmas, 15th of December at about 3 pm at the Saint Dominic Hospital in Bacoor, Cavite. He was 58 years old. Unlike my other uncles who passed-away this year, uncle Chito, as he is fondly called, was not a family man.

In keeping with customs and tradition, uncle Chito was laid in state for the final respect. The three-day wake until the interment was exclusively family and a few close friends. Unlike my two other uncles who passed-away earlier this year, his funeral is very private. It is so much like him. He was a recluse in life and never was outgoing or as cordial to others. As a bachelor, he was even labeled as masungit (irritable) or suplado (discriminating of people). I even perceived him to be some kind of an anti-social person. But we as his family had learned how to put-up with his disposition. If no one could, who would? Afterall, he only had us.

Uncle Chito in his youth had his share of recklessness. There was the untold story of his having sired a son out of wedlock. Family shame runs strong in our blood that no one openly talked about it but only in private and during hushed conversations. Years later, it was alleged that another offspring was in the offing through his live-in partner but they parted ways even before the confirmation of the woman’s pregnancy.

In most part, uncle Chito was a private person. He minds his own business and never meddled in anyone’s affair. Unfortunately, he was never as amiable or friendly as the average person. Yet, the few people he was able to connect with can say how good a man he was. In a way, he was never totally alone.

One of those who paid their last respect for uncle Chito was our relative who is an evangelical pastor and his wife. (see blogpost http://dan-flame.blogspot.com/2010/06/fatherhood-embodiment-of-masculinity.htm l) It irks me that the wife always taunts about my single life and demands that I get married and have children. It was not the idea of marriage or having children that irritates me but her insinuation which challenges my sexuality or perhaps questions my moral integrity as a single person.

It was trivial to say the least. And I shouldn’t be bothered by anyone’s shallow perception of life. Afterall, I don’t owe anyone an explanation about my so-called lifestyle or gender orientation. But for the purpose of discussion, I would bother to say that the challenges of single people becomes too much because of the unnecessary pressure from the insolent and the prejudice of the ignorant.

With the challenges, single life has its responsibilities. Foremost is the responsibility to oneself. To live responsibly is to take care of oneself, one’s well-being. Most of us are careful with how we project to people because we do suffer an unspoken prejudice. So we become more responsible with our action and how we speak. Many think, we single people are deviants or bordering on social ineptitude. Yet there may be cases of such, this is not an absolute truth. Most of us are as regular (normal) as anyone else. We may abide strictly to certain code of conduct because we strongly sense an unjust bias against our character. For those who see our being single as an excuse to get into fornication or sexual plethora, they have to know us and be surprised to discover that we upheld moral standards even higher than those who are married or have family.

Certain single people had been successful in their respective endeavors because they were more focused and greater concentrated to their task than their counterparts. Some may suffer hang-ups, but who isn’t have one? Spouses and those with family have their own share of personal dilemmas, too. While married people may cope easier than single people when facing personal predicaments, it is not always the case. Many single people are emotionally strong and are very resilient. They can manage to be happy and feel love with the company of relatives and friends. They are confident and have a strong sense of self-worth not guaranteed to those who define themselves only by their conjugal relationship.

Moreover, many single people had learned how to sublimate their basic sexual urges to more creative endeavors. Their sexual energies instead vested on procreation are used for non-sexual productivity. Their sensual expressions transcend the physical and are given a greater spiritual, even mystical, dimension. Contrary to popular banters that celibate people are sexually frustrated, most had lived fulfilled and happy lives.

Philippine culture is rooted deeply in the family. Getting married and raising kids are the traditions of the society. While these concepts are universal, it is much more pronounced in our culture than it is in more developed countries. No wonder issues such as the divorce law and the Reproductive Health Bill are forefront in the national issue. It is bitterly debated and takes the economic issues backstage. Having a bachelor as President of the Republic (himself facing societal pressure) does not help resolve the issues but makes them more salacious and controversial fueling the animosity between the Catholic church and the government.

It is a common experience for any single Filipino of marital age to be asked, “Why aren’t you married yet?” or “When are you tying the knot?” It is less complicated to answer if one has already sired a child. But for unmarried and no offspring it is almost embarrassing. Some would further ask, “Who will take care of you when you get old?” As if adding insult to injury continues, “It’ll be a pity that no one will cry for you when you die.”

I knew many single people who had learned how to deal with these “unholy” inquisitions. I personally had been at ease answering yet there are times when it still gets into you especially when the questions are imbued with malice and suspicion.

Indeed, the most dreaded perhaps among human fear is to die alone. Yet, we don’t often realize that in the most significant moments, each of us is essentially alone. The moment of birth is an alone world. As is the moment of death. We may find ourselves alone in the most crucial circumstances of life such as when we are in pain, in need of understanding or when we are at the crossroads of decision. These are the times when we are faced only by ourselves.

I remember my grandfather had eight children and nine grandchildren at the time of his death in 1998. Yet not one of us was there with him. After being granted an American citizenship as being a WWII-USAFE veteran, he died in the U.S. only with his aged comrades. I recall also how alone my uncle Ben, who had six children and over a dozen grandchildren, died in 2007. His time came when he was living alone in our ancestral home away from his family living in the province. With these two examples, defies the premise that those who have family are guaranteed from not being alone when they die. On the other hand, not all single people will die alone such was uncle Chito.

No matter how ridiculous this premise might be, which says ‘No one will cry at the death of a single person’, I will reply with a question, ‘If you’re dead, will it still matter?’ It’s common sense!

I am not here to advocate solitary living or defy the necessity of perpetuating the race. To live alone or be single for life is afterall a personal choice. Single people of both gender, age and of all sexual orientation are no different. They have their own reasons for staying single and every single person has the right for being so. Whether out of necessity or by choice is not the issue. It is rather how one accepts and adjusts to the complexities of single life.

Uncle Chito was a single person until death. But he was not alone. He had us. We had loved him. He was not rich. He was not influential. He may not been sociable or amiable enough to have made hordes of friends. But the few people he had touched lives with are enough. Once in our life, we needed him. With his skill in electronics and some manual work he was handy. He shared with us moments of laughter as well as contradictions. Yet we learned so much from these experiences. He died single but here we are in mourning. Thus I believe that no one, single or not, leaves this world unremarkable.

In parting, I recommend you read “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom. To sum-up, I leave you now with my favorite quote from the novel “The Bridge of San Luis Rey” by Thornton Wilder which says, “and we ourselves shall be loved for awhile and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning."

Parting shot:

The following is a poem written by my cousin in tribute to our uncle Chito.



ONCE IN A WORLD OF PERIL
By Reynard Quetulio Sabater

Once in a world of peril, a strong man was born
Though he was slim and looked torn
He was not one to be underestimated
For he had a heart of gold and a shield of steel.

And all his screwdrivers walked and wires wrapped
Like the limbs and roots of trees that made him a shelter
To the lost souls and weak of hearts
He broke the codes and puzzles of man
The technology right within his hand.

I once looked outside the window sill
The man who stood, so tall and opinionated,
His own perspective of life he even formulated.
His works are of love and he stood for the right.
A rigid hand and a work of might.

He was ever a dear man and everybody loved him
This made him as tall as the sky above the sea.
The power of love has lived within
A man who risked life itself to care for me,
He gave his all; he will watch over us.
For once in a world of peril, a man stood strong.

CHRISTMAS ESSENTIAL

Christmas is indeed a time of revelry. It is perhaps the most festive season, at least, in the Christian world. Even countries where Christians are a minority, such as Japan and Korea, had been infected by the yuletide fervor.

Trimmings and decorations, music, food, gifts and parties are what Christmas for most of us. The sight and sounds of the season are unlike any other being celebrated during the year. It is most anticipated time of the year. It is as if the culmination of what our whole year had been. As we welcome the New Year with intense revelry, it highlights our hope that it would bring us better and brighter tomorrow; more prosperous and greater success.

While there is nothing wrong with all these merriment for indeed there is a cause for joy in the season, the fundamental message it carries are drowned and becomes supplemental instead of being the focal theme.

Foremost, Christmas is a religious festivity. It is the Christians’ marking the birth of the Christ or Savior. It is believed that He, God becomes man, comes into the world to dispel the darkness of sin and death. For the faithful, the believers, including the spiritual moderates accepts this as an article of faith. For non-Christians however it is a good and noble story which offers so much hope and inspiration for anyone who learns about it.

As a religious feast, there is a greater spiritual significance attached to it that even we as Christians often forget. Hence we missed the true value and the essence of why we celebrate. The growing secularism had put aside the traditional symbols and activities of Christmas. Although we have nothing against Santa Clause, reindeers, snowman and candy canes, they somehow compete with our attention when we are supposed to focus on the humble scene of the manger.

Gift-giving is a good tradition during the Christmas season. Yet nowadays, this tradition had been overrated brought about by the excesses of modern lifestyle. Because of too much commercialism instigated by greed, we are caught to fill-in the demand to buy so you may give. Marred by the compulsion to buy, give as social obligation or pressured by peers and associates, the act of giving becomes trivial. It is most unfortunate that the value of charity had been lost in this tradition.

While parties and family gathering are essential part of the holiday feasting. But parties with too much intoxication, food binges, loud music and dancing has too little to do with what Christmas is all about. As for family reunions somehow creates a more sober and more appropriate setting for the season, we will get most out of this experience if we gather together and contemplate the beauty of the Christmas message.

Before you say I am Mr. Scrooge, I clarify that I am not against parties, gift-giving or am I prejudice towards those who are keeping certain traditions I mentioned here. While we can engage in any of these, let us make it more meaningful and relevant to the theme of the occasion. In the midst of the bustle and hustle, and the stress during this season we remember the most essential: We rejoice because a Savior has been born to us. We give gift in the spirit of charity. And we gather together as family and friends because we celebrate God’s love and the blessings we received throughout the year.

Let us keep the essential Christmas traditions like having the time for reflection and prayer. Celebrating in church (any denomination will do) is highly commendable. Whether you believe the Christmas story by faith or has been moved by it as a lore, let us keep the Christmas message alive and in the forefront of our celebration.

Have a joyous and blessed Christmas to all!

SOMEDAY MAY NOT COME

“There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment”. – Yamamoto Tsunetomo

You’ve often told yourself,

“Someday, I’ll stop making excuses and begin making things happen. Yet, I’m still too young to get into anything serious now”.

”Someday, I’ll take total responsibility and stop blaming others when things go wrong. But because of my irresponsible parents, unappreciative friends and dishonest associates I am in such a predicament”.

“Someday, I’ll start doing my very best in any endeavor and make use of my full potentials. Presently however I’m too uninspired to exert so much so I’ll just wait for that spark to motivate me”.

“Someday, I'll finally come to terms with the value of time and I won’t waste any more moment on unproductive activities. But for now, I’m too busy having fun. These worthwhile things can wait, anyway”.

”Someday, I’ll manage to have a more positive attitude and see things through a brighter perspective. If only now, things start getting better.

“Someday, I’ll be more caring, patient and be more forgiving. If only people around me will be more considerate to me”.

But have you asked yourself,

“When will I commit to these?”

Reminder: If today you won’t, that someday may not come.

THE JOY OF WRITING by Wislawa Szymborska

Why does this written doe bound through these written woods?
For a drink of written water from a spring
whose surface will Xerox her soft muzzle?
Why does she lifts her head; does she hear something?
Perched on four slim legs borrowed from the truth,
she picks up her ears beneath my fingertips.
Silence – this world also rustles across the page
and parts the boughs
that have sprouted from the word “woods.”

Lying in wait, set to pounce on the blank page,
are letters up to no good,
clutches of clauses so subordinate
they’ll never let her get away.

Each drop of ink contains a fair supply
of hunters, equipped with squinting eyes behind their sights,
prepared to swarm the sloping pen at any moment,
surround the doe, and slowly aim their guns.

They forget that what’s here isn’t life.
Other laws, black on white, obtain.
The twinkling of an eye will take as long as I say,
and will, if I wish, divide into tiny eternities,
full of bullets stopped in mid-flight.
Not a thing will ever happen unless I say so.
Without my blessing, not a leaf will fall,
not a blade of grass will bend beneath that little hoof’s full stop.

Is there then a world
where I rule absolutely on fate?
A time I bind with chains of signs?
An existence becomes endless at my bidding?

The joy of writing.
The power of preserving.
Revenge of a mortal hand.

- From “No End of Fun”, 1967
Translated by S. Baranczak & C. Cavanagh

GOOD MOURNING

The remains of my uncle and ninong (godfather in bapstism) were interred early yesterday. Percival Cesar Dela Cruz, Ll. B. passed-away due to complications of Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) last Tuesday, the 21st of September 2010. He was 63 years old.

My memories of childhood will never be complete without those with papa Cesar, as he was fondly called. I always anticipate his family’s regular visits to our grandparents’ home where I lived as an occasion to play with my cousins. Likewise, we look forward to the family reunions during the holidays. As his inaanak (godson in baptism) I received gifts from him on occasions. I remember the times when I was treated for a ride in his old Buick car with my cousins. And that unforgettable visit we made in their ancestral home in the town of Victoria in the province of Tarlac. He was somebody who was constantly being in one with those in grief. His willingness to lend his comforting presence shall be missed by whose lives he touched.

Papa Cesar will never be forgotten. He lives on though the people he left behind; his wife, Rosalina Quetulio Dela Cruz; his children, Mae Juliet Quetulio Dela Cruz, M.D., Jae Judith Q. Dela Cruz-Mallonga and Robert Mallonga, Eng. Fe Jocelyn Q. Dela Cruz-Francisco and Joselito Francisco; his grandchildren, Nicolas and Jarome.

The death of uncle Cesar came in a time when we are still mourning the passing of another uncle eight months ago. Atty. Ledovino L. Donadillo bravely, as the soldier that he was, battled lung cancer until he succumbed on the 23rd of January 2010. He was 78 years old.

Uncle Ledo was the proverbial “self-made man”. His life story was about personal struggles, triumph and service. It was an inspiring life worth telling about. His hard experiences had honed him to be a man capable of sharing common humanity. His career as a lawyer was one of public service. His legal acumen he earned beyond the ethical and technical demands of the profession but by the wisdom he constantly sought from his faith in the divine. Yes, his being spiritual was what gave heart to his law practice.

The most endearing quality uncle Ledo possessed was his ability to feel for others. While he was cantankerous and oftentimes had hard words to say, you would have to know him to be understanding, generous and tender-hearted as he could be.

I will never forget that during my lowest moment, when my own father died in 1998, he welcomed me in their home and stayed there to start picking-up the broken pieces of myself. It was a turbulent and painful time. When I was censured for not attending my father’s burial because of too much grief, he was one to have understood and came to my defense. As I write this, I have a vivid image of him in my mind, his expression was one of great sympathy, when he said, “Didn’t they realize that there is such a thing as private grief?” Such can only come from somebody who was profound and truly knew the human heart.

Uncle Ledo will always be remembered. He was survived by his wife, Aurora Quetulio Donadillo; his children, Atty. Patricia Q. Donadillo-Famaran and Alfonso Famaran, M.D., and Grace Quetulio Donadillo.

These two deaths within the year make us reflect how important family ties can be. I see a good side to mourning, now. It isn’t all that bad, really. It gives us the opportunity to rekindle the flames of our relations neglected by our hurried lives. We were brought together despite the distances or estrangement. Amidst the sorrow we bear in loosing those dear to us is the strength we have in solidarity with one another.

Beyond the experience of mourning there is hope. And after this sad episode, joy awaits. We can look forward and move on with much courage. Like a book, the life of our dearly departed ends while we, the bereaved, only closes a chapter then turn a page for a new one to begin. It is likely that in this new chapter there shall be a greater awareness of our own mortality. Not to be fearsome rather reinforce in us that life is too valuable to waste; that we alter each other’s life forever. The lifetime shared with us through the years by those who have gone ahead of us makes the people we are today. By contemplating their life, we learn life’s lessons without having us to experience them ourselves. Or if we do, prepare us in dealing with them.

To mourn is to feel desolate and alone. Yet, if we be able to see mourning in a different perspective, we will better understand why we feel such an emotion as a response to the death of a beloved. In the process, we can appreciate better the life we had with those who have gone before us and those who remain with us in this earthly pilgrimage. And in these, mourning can be a good thing.

Uncle Ledo and uncle Cesar will be missed, now that they will no longer be here to share moments with. Without them our family gatherings will never be the same again. Yet, they’ll live on in our memories. We can always look back at all the cherished times we had with them. These shall be the impetus to bring our families closer together and move on to make more lasting memories that shall out-live each of us when our own lifetime has finally come to an end.

TRAVERSE OF AGE

for Reynard Quetulio Sabater and Daniel Quetulio



Raging tide of youthful delights
Cautions to the wind
Blown with uncertainty
Debauched by carefree spirit

The velocity of time
Passes hurriedly
The path unwinding
As far as it goes

O Come, young souls!
Sons and daughters of dreams
Listen to the voice
Of wise and aged thoughts.