In Memory of Luis D. Quetulio (1952 – 2010)
Let the dead past bury its dead! – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Death strikes thrice in our family this year with the sudden passing of my uncle, Luis D. Quetulio, a week before Christmas, 15th of December at about 3 pm at the Saint Dominic Hospital in Bacoor, Cavite. He was 58 years old. Unlike my other uncles who passed-away this year, uncle Chito, as he is fondly called, was not a family man.
In keeping with customs and tradition, uncle Chito was laid in state for the final respect. The three-day wake until the interment was exclusively family and a few close friends. Unlike my two other uncles who passed-away earlier this year, his funeral is very private. It is so much like him. He was a recluse in life and never was outgoing or as cordial to others. As a bachelor, he was even labeled as masungit (irritable) or suplado (discriminating of people). I even perceived him to be some kind of an anti-social person. But we as his family had learned how to put-up with his disposition. If no one could, who would? Afterall, he only had us.
Uncle Chito in his youth had his share of recklessness. There was the untold story of his having sired a son out of wedlock. Family shame runs strong in our blood that no one openly talked about it but only in private and during hushed conversations. Years later, it was alleged that another offspring was in the offing through his live-in partner but they parted ways even before the confirmation of the woman’s pregnancy.
In most part, uncle Chito was a private person. He minds his own business and never meddled in anyone’s affair. Unfortunately, he was never as amiable or friendly as the average person. Yet, the few people he was able to connect with can say how good a man he was. In a way, he was never totally alone.
One of those who paid their last respect for uncle Chito was our relative who is an evangelical pastor and his wife. (see blogpost http://dan-flame.blogspot.com/2010/06/fatherhood-embodiment-of-masculinity.htm l) It irks me that the wife always taunts about my single life and demands that I get married and have children. It was not the idea of marriage or having children that irritates me but her insinuation which challenges my sexuality or perhaps questions my moral integrity as a single person.
It was trivial to say the least. And I shouldn’t be bothered by anyone’s shallow perception of life. Afterall, I don’t owe anyone an explanation about my so-called lifestyle or gender orientation. But for the purpose of discussion, I would bother to say that the challenges of single people becomes too much because of the unnecessary pressure from the insolent and the prejudice of the ignorant.
With the challenges, single life has its responsibilities. Foremost is the responsibility to oneself. To live responsibly is to take care of oneself, one’s well-being. Most of us are careful with how we project to people because we do suffer an unspoken prejudice. So we become more responsible with our action and how we speak. Many think, we single people are deviants or bordering on social ineptitude. Yet there may be cases of such, this is not an absolute truth. Most of us are as regular (normal) as anyone else. We may abide strictly to certain code of conduct because we strongly sense an unjust bias against our character. For those who see our being single as an excuse to get into fornication or sexual plethora, they have to know us and be surprised to discover that we upheld moral standards even higher than those who are married or have family.
Certain single people had been successful in their respective endeavors because they were more focused and greater concentrated to their task than their counterparts. Some may suffer hang-ups, but who isn’t have one? Spouses and those with family have their own share of personal dilemmas, too. While married people may cope easier than single people when facing personal predicaments, it is not always the case. Many single people are emotionally strong and are very resilient. They can manage to be happy and feel love with the company of relatives and friends. They are confident and have a strong sense of self-worth not guaranteed to those who define themselves only by their conjugal relationship.
Moreover, many single people had learned how to sublimate their basic sexual urges to more creative endeavors. Their sexual energies instead vested on procreation are used for non-sexual productivity. Their sensual expressions transcend the physical and are given a greater spiritual, even mystical, dimension. Contrary to popular banters that celibate people are sexually frustrated, most had lived fulfilled and happy lives.
Philippine culture is rooted deeply in the family. Getting married and raising kids are the traditions of the society. While these concepts are universal, it is much more pronounced in our culture than it is in more developed countries. No wonder issues such as the divorce law and the Reproductive Health Bill are forefront in the national issue. It is bitterly debated and takes the economic issues backstage. Having a bachelor as President of the Republic (himself facing societal pressure) does not help resolve the issues but makes them more salacious and controversial fueling the animosity between the Catholic church and the government.
It is a common experience for any single Filipino of marital age to be asked, “Why aren’t you married yet?” or “When are you tying the knot?” It is less complicated to answer if one has already sired a child. But for unmarried and no offspring it is almost embarrassing. Some would further ask, “Who will take care of you when you get old?” As if adding insult to injury continues, “It’ll be a pity that no one will cry for you when you die.”
I knew many single people who had learned how to deal with these “unholy” inquisitions. I personally had been at ease answering yet there are times when it still gets into you especially when the questions are imbued with malice and suspicion.
Indeed, the most dreaded perhaps among human fear is to die alone. Yet, we don’t often realize that in the most significant moments, each of us is essentially alone. The moment of birth is an alone world. As is the moment of death. We may find ourselves alone in the most crucial circumstances of life such as when we are in pain, in need of understanding or when we are at the crossroads of decision. These are the times when we are faced only by ourselves.
I remember my grandfather had eight children and nine grandchildren at the time of his death in 1998. Yet not one of us was there with him. After being granted an American citizenship as being a WWII-USAFE veteran, he died in the U.S. only with his aged comrades. I recall also how alone my uncle Ben, who had six children and over a dozen grandchildren, died in 2007. His time came when he was living alone in our ancestral home away from his family living in the province. With these two examples, defies the premise that those who have family are guaranteed from not being alone when they die. On the other hand, not all single people will die alone such was uncle Chito.
No matter how ridiculous this premise might be, which says ‘No one will cry at the death of a single person’, I will reply with a question, ‘If you’re dead, will it still matter?’ It’s common sense!
I am not here to advocate solitary living or defy the necessity of perpetuating the race. To live alone or be single for life is afterall a personal choice. Single people of both gender, age and of all sexual orientation are no different. They have their own reasons for staying single and every single person has the right for being so. Whether out of necessity or by choice is not the issue. It is rather how one accepts and adjusts to the complexities of single life.
Uncle Chito was a single person until death. But he was not alone. He had us. We had loved him. He was not rich. He was not influential. He may not been sociable or amiable enough to have made hordes of friends. But the few people he had touched lives with are enough. Once in our life, we needed him. With his skill in electronics and some manual work he was handy. He shared with us moments of laughter as well as contradictions. Yet we learned so much from these experiences. He died single but here we are in mourning. Thus I believe that no one, single or not, leaves this world unremarkable.
In parting, I recommend you read “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom. To sum-up, I leave you now with my favorite quote from the novel “The Bridge of San Luis Rey” by Thornton Wilder which says, “and we ourselves shall be loved for awhile and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning."
Parting shot:
The following is a poem written by my cousin in tribute to our uncle Chito.
ONCE IN A WORLD OF PERIL
By Reynard Quetulio Sabater
Once in a world of peril, a strong man was born
Though he was slim and looked torn
He was not one to be underestimated
For he had a heart of gold and a shield of steel.
And all his screwdrivers walked and wires wrapped
Like the limbs and roots of trees that made him a shelter
To the lost souls and weak of hearts
He broke the codes and puzzles of man
The technology right within his hand.
I once looked outside the window sill
The man who stood, so tall and opinionated,
His own perspective of life he even formulated.
His works are of love and he stood for the right.
A rigid hand and a work of might.
He was ever a dear man and everybody loved him
This made him as tall as the sky above the sea.
The power of love has lived within
A man who risked life itself to care for me,
He gave his all; he will watch over us.
For once in a world of peril, a man stood strong.
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